Family Guy Quotes V

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

(Flashback to a school in what looks like Pilgrim times. A girl gives an answer to a math question.)
Teacher: That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. You know what that means. A WITCH!"
Kids: WITCH! WITCH! WITCH! WITCH!

Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math? Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Peter (watching tv with Meg): Who needs Brian? I have you to hang with me. (Starts talking to Meg like a dog as he's pointing at the tv.) Who that? Who that? Is that a dog, is it? Is that a dog right there? Look, see, see, Meg? Go get it! See? See the dog on tv? Who's the dog on tv?
Meg (yells at Peter): I'm not a dog, you fat bastrad!!!

Cleveland: If you're this desperate about Chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out?
Peter: Look, if you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest.

(Stewie runs out of house naked, after a bath, and rolls in mud.)
Stewie: Look Lois! I'm not clean anymore!
(Peter-washing his car-sprays Stewie clean with the hose)
Peter: There you go.
(Stewie looks DOWN at himself in shock.)
Stewie: OH MY GOD! I'm a woman!!

Stewie: Let me tell you something Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it you cow!

(Chris jumps on Peter's lap)
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and... [kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don’t worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month
Chris: We’ll be his period.

Stewie: Duck, duck, (slaps Janet on the head) GOOSE! (Janet cries)
Stewie: Oh come on I barely hit you! See this is why people don't respect the WNBA!

Brian: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa!
Peter: That's crazy...they'll just be hungry again in an hour.

(Meg walks into the dining room with her new lesbian look).
Chris: Mom, why is the cable guy here?

Family Guy Quotes IV

Lois: Chris, we know what you did.
Chris: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois: No.
Chris: You mean about the time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter: Close, but no.
Stewie: How is that close?

Peter: First of all Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like 6 years! Are you gonna have the baby or not?

Quagmire (runs outside in a robe): Hey guys, what's going on? I was just jerki ... ed out of a deep sleep.

Kidnapper: You know I've got some candy in my van if your kid wants some.
Lady: Oh great! (She's about to hand kid to kidnapper...) Huh! Wait a second!
Kidnapper: Aww, you got me! You got me! Oh...I'll get him though, I'll get him.
Lady: I bet you will! I bet you will...

Meg: Wow! This looks just like my room at home!
Lois: Yeah! Except for all of the trophies and pictures of friends.

Meg: I don't get it, mom, if you're so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.

Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt

Peter: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.

Lois: Peter, I'm off to my book club, don't forget you have to go to the PTA meeting.
Peter: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What are you high?
Lois: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones. Now, I'm going to my book club and you are going to the meeting.

Family Guy Quotes III

Peter: Hey, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phonebook.

Peter-YO LOIS!
Lois-WHAT?
Peter- I'm packing for Kiss-stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois-You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt check from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trotts?
Peter-No, no the pair with the whole in the left butt check from when I held it in for two hours cuz it was an extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought that blowing gas would offend jesus so I let it go in the vestabule after mass and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois-Oh! Bottom drawer.

Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die.

Lois: Good, I don't have to cook.
Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty

Peter (watching Cricket on British TV): What the hell is he talking about?
Englishman: Oh, it's Cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course.
Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette."
Peter: Well, someone tell this "cigarette" to shut up.

Peter (to Lois): Lois, The Drunken Clam has been taken over by a bunch of limey tea suckin British bastards.
Nigel Pinchly (Brit): I guess I'm the limely bastard who purchased your bar, bit of an awkward moment really.
Peter: Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment, one time during sex I called Lois Frank! Your move Sherlock.

Bob Barker: Alright now, let's start the bidding. Jennifer? How much do you bid on the dinette set?
Jennifer: Uh...$675 Bob.
Bob Barker: $675. Steven?
Steven: $780.
Bob Barker: $780. Tammy?
Tammy: $781.
Steven (to Tammy): F**k you!

Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.

Joe: Maybe Peter took the trophy, he wanted it all along.
Peter: I couldn't have taken it, I was too busy breakin' into Joe's garage stealin' his ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight!
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? It's a ladder, he can't use it. It's like takin' a watch off a dead guy.

Peter: Can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother.

Family Guy Quotes II

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.

Meg: Finally, look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore. It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna babysit anymore that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass.

Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're fine.
Peter: Oh now you're coming on to me?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you, he's telling you you're healthy!
Doctor: Can't it be both?

Meg: Mom guess what! I made the Flag Girl squad
Stewie: Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes.

Cleveland: Quagmire slept with Loretta?
Lois: Oh my God, Cleveland! I am so sorry! I can only imagine what your going through right now.
Cleveland: Its okay.
Brian: It's ok? It's okay to be betrayed by your wife and best friend?
Cleveland: Better that it's Quagmire than someone who she could get a disease from.
Lois: Cleveland, don't you see this is why your wife left you. You don't have enough passion. Sometimes a woman wants to see a man be a man. You gotta push back a little. (Lois starts shaking.) You gotta get a little rough. OH GOD!!!!!! (Pulls down pants and lois bends over.) Peter HIT ME!
Brian: YEEAHH! (Slaps Lois' butt.)
(Awkward silence.)
Brian: So...yeah...

Security Guard: Alright son, we're gonna need those two hams back.

Chris: Huh? I don't have any hams.

Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.

Chris: I need an adult! I need an adult!

Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty fat fatty. Hey Tom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.

Chris: Thanks.

-

(Joe falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the sewer when Lois catches him.)

Lois: I can't hold on much longer!

Joe: Lois, pretend I'm one of your children!

(Joe starts to slip)

Joe: Not Meg!(Lois pulls Joe to safety)

-

Peter: Okay, okay, I have an idea. I'll be Charlie and you could all be my angels. (Turns to look at an ugly woman) Except for you, you be Bosley.

-

(Adam West is marrying his hand)

Priest: If anyone has any reason as to why this marriage should not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace.

(Adam West's other hand raises up)

Adam West: Shut up, you had your chance!

A

Brian: I just spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a Hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead

-

Peter: Aww things were going so good for me and Stewie, but now he hates me again. Brian what should I do to win him back?

Brian: That depends. Do you want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?

Peter: What's a hypotenuse?

-

Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

Family Guy Quotes

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

Lawyer: Peter, Sarah has decided to press sexual harrasssment charges against you.
Peter: Sarah...Is that the one we video taped taking a dump?

Peter: By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint--it wasn't on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.

Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)

Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.
(Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

(Lois finds a note in Chris's pocket)
Lois: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Lois: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy."
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..
(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I'm going to do it!
(Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.

Brian (at the Quahog county trailer park): You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air contitioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?